Communicating about Poor Communication

What do you do if a coworker is poorly communicating with another? How do you diffuse the situation and help them both level up?

A friend asked me these questions. Two of her colleagues are intense communicators. One is a blood-born contrarian. The other is brash and complains. Both of them unsettle stomaches in meetings.

Nobody wants to be a pesky middleman or erupt a volcano of office politics. So how do you help the team improve?

I’ve taught teamwork to hundreds of college students for the past 4 years. Here’s what I’ve discovered … You can’t call out a brash person. You can’t tell an aggressive contrarian to stop. You can’t ask a complainer to quit complaining.

You first need to get on their side.

Get on their side

Deep down, in the heart of this poor communicator is a positive intent.

The intent of all communication is to cause some positive effect. The effect could be to change behavior or perspective. Intent may also be to protect oneself, however unconscious.

Anchor on their positive intent:

• “I know you are trying to improve the situation …”

• ”I’m glad you voiced your perspective …”

• ”When you voiced that, it seems you were trying to achieve x, correct?”

These statements puts you on their side. You are an ally. You may feel hesitant to assume their positive intent. From my experience, people are rarely offended when you assume the best in them.

Show Limit of Effectiveness

You now need to show how they limit their effectiveness. Their intent could manifest better through a different phrasing:

• ”You may be limiting your effectiveness by framing it that way …”

• “It may be hard for people to listen when you frame it that way …”

• ”I worry if your wording will lead people to be defensive when listening …”

Each form of poor communication has its own unique limits.

Brash communication can make listeners defensive. They will be more concerned with their own position and self than your words. Brash communication prevents your message from being heard.

Complaining communication closes the door to change. Instead of exploring how to fix the situation together, complains pessimistically state the bad. Complaints do not make room to make things to be better. Complaining can impact the listener to feel like things can’t change.

Contrarian communication - even if we’ll intended - can sometimes come off as challenging or demeaning rather than building together.

Better framing

The first phrase says “I know you want to do good things.” The second phrases says “your words are blocking your good thing becoming reality.” Now you can coach them to have better communication:

• “A more useful wording might be…”

• ”People may respond better to your perspective if you say it like…”

A key component to these statements are voicing doubt. Phrases like “may” or “possibly” invite collaboration. Nobody likes being bossed around with a “do this” or “don’t do that”. Instead, when you make a suggestion, use works like “consider,” “suggest,” or “recommend.” These words trust their judgement. It build their agency and empowers them to make the right decision. It shows respect.

Management Dials

Management has many metaphors.

Political metaphors model the team’s power dynamics: authoritarian, democratic, and servant leadership. Other management metaphors seek to rouse a feeling of unity: sports team or family metaphors.

None if these address the nuance of actual manager-managee relationships. They do not speak to the preferences of collaborators across their many types of interactions, or the evolving nature of the workplace as work tasks change and relationships grow over time.

The old metaphors say “this is how we operate.” They don’t stop to ask “who are we and how would we best work together now?”

I prefer the metaphor of a DJ stand. A DJ has to constantly attune to the mood of the audience. They adjust dozens of dials, sensing what levels will get the ambiance right.

A DJ sees music as dual-directional - it’s as much about observing the audience as leading the jams.

A DJ knows that what separates a good set from a great set is not just good songs - it’s getting all the nuanced details aligned.

Management is more about toggling a set of dials than a modeled relationship. Setting your dials right can help you and your teammates relieve stress, build empathy, be more efficient, and better define how you will work well together.

Toggle these Dials

🎛 Relationship dial

New management relationships are ripe for insecurities. The relationship is undefined and both people are uncertain how things will proceed.

Even worse, most managers start their first one-on-one with an impersonal coverage of projects and organizational focus. There’s no human foundation set.

Instead, I start each relationship with an hour long interview of my managee:

1. What are your likes and /avoids from managers?

2. What does this job mean to you?

3. What are your hopes for the team?

4. What are your hopes for yourself in this role?

5. Requests of me in this role?

Then the magic happens: they tell you EXACTLY what they need to thrive.

The poor way to ask these questions to going through the motions.

The right way is to actively relate to and reassure them when they share their preferences, and share stories of your own challenges in the workplace. Your vulnerable stories help them feel comfortable opening up about sensitive topics. You can also foreshadow some actions you may take to help their preferences become a reality.

This interview is the ultimate trust builder. Your managee feels seen, understood, and appreciated. And now you can dive into the work.

🎛 Delegation dial

The delegation dial helps managers and managees define their preference for how defined and structured their work would ideally be.

I did this poorly at first. I mistakenly assumed that the people I managed wanted full autonomy over their responsibilities. Two months in, my frustrated managee blurted out, “Just tell me exactly what you want me to do, and I’ll do it!” She loved executing on plans, not making them.

Everybody has different preferences for the structure of their work tasks. Some like full autonomy to prioritize and execute however they want; they may get agitated when others try to micromanage. Some like direction or fleshed out steps, processes and actions.

Some managers like being in the weeds, other like the mental space of delegation.

Gauge the dial with these questions:

• On a scale of 1-100, how would you rate your delegation preference? 1 being very structured step by step instructions, 100 being free reign autonomy to prioritize and execute as you see fit.

The preference for both the manager and managee might change over time as trust and expertise evolves.

🎛 Meeting Dial

Most people prefer one of two meeting styles.

Personable Meetings involve briefly beginning with discussion on how the other person is doing. For some, this dynamic helps them feel fully seen.

Others prefer an Efficient Meeting style. Efficient Meetings blaze through agenda items directly and succinctly. They optimize exchange of information while minimizing the amount of time spent.

Most people have a preference along a spectrum of these meeting types.

Questions to gauge meeting preference:

• What are your likes and avoids of management? (Many people may reference “I liked when I had casual coffees with my manager” “I like when we could talk about things outside of work” or “I like when we get straight to work.” These are hints at their meeting preference.)

You can often gauge your collaborators’ preference by how they show up to your first meeting. Do they respond enthusiastically to the question “How are you doing?” or do they brush it off?

In my experience, most people over-estimate their desire to be efficient over personable. For this reason, as a manager, I am typically a little more personable and sensitive than their stated preference.

These sensitivities are also present in our next dial.

🎛 Feedback Dial

Which do you prefer more: direct or supportive communication?

Answer: it’s a false dichotomy! Constructive Feedback affirms our work’s intent and builds towards shared desires: to be more effective and efficient. These statements look like, “We could make that even better by …” “An idea for the next iteration…” or “You could save time by also doing …” This feedback adds improvements on their foundation of work.

The feedback preference is not what type of feedback. It’s how do you want it to be delivered?

Questions to ascertain feedback preference:

• Do you like feedback to be frequent or in a chunk all at once?

• Do you like feedback verbally or written?

The answers to these questions are largely defined by the type of work being done. But most people typically have a preference.

It also depends on your collaboration preferences.

🎛 Collaboration Dial

Collaboration cuts across a few dimensions.

Dimension 1 is collaborating async vs. together at the same time.

Duos best collaborate together if one is far more experienced than the other; in this case the more experienced can model the practices and use of tools and resources in ways that are not easily communicated over text. In-person collaboration is also useful if you and your partner derive creative energy by bouncing ideas off each other, or if the project will require nuanced follow-up questions.

Async communication preserves beginners mind and is time efficient.

Dimension 2 is the phases of the project:

1. Research

2. Brainstorm

3. Planning

4. Execution

5. Retrospective

Each phase has a benefit and drawback doing async vs together collaboration.

(1) Research: starting async allows you both to anchor on your own ways of thinking about the problem rather than anchoring on the thoughts of another. This may lead you to different research methods or sources of information.

(2) Brainstorming: is best first done alone - without the bias and anchoring of another’s thinking - in order to get the most original thoughts. You preserve beginners mind and get a wider variety of ideas. Then, brainstorming can be done together as collaborators push each other’s thinking, converge on principles, and build off of each other’s creative energy.

(3) Planning: is best done with the project owner creating a draft plan and then the duo building off that plan. This is a way more effective use of time that drawing something together from scratch. A foundation is already set when you meet.

(4) Execution: is best done async, with opportunity to chat briefly on novel challenges that emerge as the project proceeds.

(5) Retrospectives: on projects are best done in person, with some independent thinking time at the start of the session.

You and your teammates will likely feel out which methods of collaboration work best for you.

🎛 Communication Dial

Almost all new employees face the awkwardness of when and how to communicate with their boss. Is this a good question to ask? Should I just find the answer myself? Can I just walk up and ask her, or am I interrupting?

It’s critical for all teammates to create an open flow for communication AND preserve uninterrupted work time. For this reason, managers and managees should explicitly define the following:

• When and how they prefer to work deeply

• When they are available for a quick sync

• When they should be left alone

• When they can be interrupted.

Without these, new employees will waste mental energy navigating these waters of communication.

Here’s how I defined communication expectations with my new managee, “I try to get a few hours of uninterrupted work time each day (I usually work away from my desk for this). That said, I want to be accessible to you, so when I am at my desk feel free to interrupt me, or slack me. Since you are new to the company, perhaps we can schedule a 10 min sync at the end of each day for the first two weeks to clarify any questions you have.”

This explicit expectation creates a sense of security for the new hire on when and how to engage. They are invited to proactively ask questions rather than wallowing in the uncertainty of what is desired and undesirable.

💃🏽Conclusion

Setting these dials takes about an hour and can save hundreds of hours of wasted stress and energy.

In the end, your team’s music will sound more like Beethoven than like my 3rd grade cousin practicing trombone in his basement.

Building Agency: 4 phrases to Empower your Teammates

Deaf children singing the Star-Spangled Banner. (Photo: Library of Congress)

Into the 1900s, there were two deaf communities in Massachusetts.

One had graduation rates lower than the hearing students. This district was rich with deaf social services, aids and other forms of support.

The other deaf community had graduation rates on par with able-bodied students. What’s most surprising - the community didn’t have services. Instead, all community members learned an old form of sign language, and treated the deaf students as equals.

Here lies the paradox:

attempts to support can disempower

The social services - while well intended - can define your identity by your deficiency. They can create a sense of dependency. Framed poorly, their focus on “fixing you” or “solving your problems” can shadow the capacities you can cultivate.

We can face a similar challenge in the work place. Bosses strive to help employees thrive. But often, employees leave meetings with feeling disempowered.

As a leader, the language we use should inspire employees to feel confidant in themselves. Our language should recognize their gifts and talents. It must create agency rather than dependency. We have to treat people has equals.

Thankfully, a few careful shifts in phrasing can achieve exactly that:

4 Empowering Phrases

Phrase 1: “Could I share some thoughts?”

Before sharing your thoughts, ask your collaborator for permission to share. Asking for permission may sound silly. But it gives them power: have the option to say no.

This question is especially important when discussing personal or emotional situations. Issues of burnout, employee conflicts, projects going poorly are sensitive topics. Your managee may just want to air a concern or vent. Let them. They don’t want to hear your steamrolling perspective.

Asking for permission has benefits outside of sensitive topics. Your managee is more bought in to listening after responding “yes”. The question also subtly shifts the tone to a two-way dialogue rather than the manager delivering authoritative claims.

Instead, give them a choice.

Phrase 2: “Consider/Recommend/Suggest”

Communication has multiple parts: what you say, and what is implied subtly.

Asking them to “consider” something implies that you trust their thinking. You simply are providing a new perspective to digest. You have faith they will reach the best conclusion on their own. Over time, this dynamic can subtly build their confidence.

Saying “I recommend we …” or “I suggest …” is a bit more opinionated than asking for consideration. Here, you might explicitly share what you believe is the best course of action.

All these phrases put the ball in their court rather than shoving your thinking forward. Saying “do this” “that’s wrong” or sharing flat out opinions can subtly imposes your superior knowledge onto them. You are creating dependency.

I recommend that you (see what I did there!) use “we” while making suggestions rather than “you”. It implies that you are a thought ally.

Phase 3: “Delegate to me”

This phrase reinforces their power to loop you in to do work on their behalf. The delegation could be actual work or giving feedback. This statement may be a shock to younger employees used to top-down management structures.

If the colleague is super new to delegation, this five point framework is super useful.

Phrase 4: “I’ll support whatever option you decide”

Managers have power. They can delegate, raise salary, fire employees. Managers must work against these typical power dynamics to build employee agency.

Phrase 1 gives employees a power piggy bank

Phrase 2 and 3 puts in a dollar

Phrase 4 sends them out with more bills

The phrase “I’ll support whatever you decide” closes the conversation with the ultimate delegation of power. It reminds them of their agency. It emphasizes that you got their back.

Important things must be repeated

The road to building agency is long. Employees need multiple positive experiences and reinforcements before fully stepping into their power. Each Phrase 4 statement is a vote of confidence. You are dropping another dollar in their agency bank.

If you don’t trust what they were hired to do, then maybe they aren’t a good fit for this role.

Back to Massachusetts…

Our fast paced work culture tempts us to fix things quickly. We may feel impatient with teammates. We might solve their problems instead of letting them figure things out on their own.

The thriving deaf community in Massachusetts got it right. They didn’t solve the challenge with a quick fix. Instead, they had the patience to learn sign language and integrate. In doing so, the whole community could fully utilize their the talents, gifts and influence.

The road to developing a team takes patience.

The language of creating agency may feel foreign. But fluency is the ultimate way to a happy and empowered team.

Re-Thinking Fear

If I had a nickel every time I thought about “facing my fears”, I’d buy a large gumball machine.

I’d put in that machine a picture of a clown - my big fear growing up – and every time I bought a gumball it would spiral down, bloop the clown’s nose and I’d feel better about myself.

This coping strategy won’t work for most people. And probably not me.

So, it's time for us to think differently about fear.

“Facing fears” or “reduce fears” is a misguided adage.

It assumes that fears can be extinguished like a flame throwing clown. But fears always come back. In fact, a total absence of fear is pathological.  The reality is that we have to live with fears rather than demolish them. As Nelson Mandela said, “I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”

The second problem with the “reduce your fears” approach that our incessant focus on fears can strengthen them. Ironically, the more you saturate your mental space with fears and thoughts of incompetence, the more afraid you may become!

Instead, we should focus on our positive intentions that are inhibited by fear. What good thing do you want to do that is restrained by your fear? This small change in framing makes a big difference. You start to act despite fear. You start to accept yourself more. You show a little self-compassion.

From here, you can think practically about how to manage the fear. Reducing it becomes easier because you are facing them in the name of a good cause.

CLICK HERE to donate to my Clown Gumball Machine Non-Profit (Just kidding!)

Face your Fears: A Better Framework [Template]

I have a confession to make.

I’ve been afraid to make YouTube videos of Positivity Dan – the silly character who does daily motivation dances. I stopped making these videos because I got self-conscious. I worried they’d come off as attention seeking or be perceived as weird. (Let’s face it, many of the videos are weird)

For months I tried to reduce my fears. I tried giving myself pep talks, consoling friends for advice. Nothing worked. I couldn’t muster the courage to create the videos. I beat myself up over feeling sensitive about something so small. I felt defeated.

Then I realized I was thinking about it wrong.

My “facing your fears” mental model had got me stuck. I over-identified with my fears and ruminated over my negative feelings and thoughts.

Instead of trying to face my fears, I decided to look at my situation through another lens: “Driving and Restraining Forces.”

Driving forces are what motivate you to take action.

Restraining forces are what inhibit you from taking action.

I like this framework because it approaches fear more practically. By identifying the “Driving forces”, you anchor your thought on something positive. This positivity can give you the strength to overcome unpleasant emotions. You now have a good reason to act despite fear. From here, you can accept fear and strategize how to minimize it.

Here’s the framework spelled out.

First, I centered my thought on what I wanted to do: make and share Positivity Dan videos.

Second, I listed out what motivated me to do it… There were so much negative news stories in my social media newsfeed that I wanted to contribute something more positive.   I wanted to make people laugh and feel good about themselves. I wanted to be a little eccentrically positive in hopes that I’d be a role model to help other people embrace the authentic weird parts of themselves.

Third, I listed out what inhibited me from doing it. Despite all the positive reasons, the videos were exhausting to make every morning. I was far more interested in other creative projects - like writing for this blog. And my self-conscious feelings took up a lot of mental space.

Fourth, after seeing everything plotted out, I came to the conclusion that I’d rather focus my attention on other projects I considered more. Plus, if I wasn’t passionate about making the videos they’d be of lower quality. After coming to this conclusion, I wrote that confirming thought as my affirming force. When I feel unsure about my feeling I come back to this statement. When my feelings change I revisit it.

The framework helps you see the love behind your fears. It takes you to a logical end. Your fear can rest.

As a therapist once told me,

“Think skillfully so you

can come to a conclusion that

lets you feel good

and move on.”

Here are examples of this framework applied to fear of public speaking, dating, and sharing your work with the world.

The Origin Story of Positivity Dan

Positivity Dan was birthed in the sunshine swamps of social media. 🙌🏼📲

Conceived in the belching muck and gurgling goo, he rose with tap shoes on his toes and a big smile on his nose. 👯‍♀️👞

He sprung to life out of negative strive. The right kind of plight to turn a tumultuous morning bright. 🌥🌤☀️

You see, most start their mornings marred unmotivated stirring around their sheets in a rumble tumble bed ridden gloom. Positivity Dan turns the morning room into something new.

Just pop on the video and hear the chant, pant, and rant as this dancing baboon shows you a vibe to groove to. 🦍🕺🏼

Positivity Dance is what they'd call it. Play it at bar mitzvahs and weddings, they would. And at funerals they would ball with it.

You see, these videos have found their way into our hearts

Into that little part of us

that wants a positive start

Religion for Secular Folks

How an atheist stumbled into religion without god.

I grew up religiously confused.

My mom is jewish. My Dad is a Christian turned buddhist. I said I was all three religions. Nobody believed me. The Jews said, “You are jewish because your mother’s bloodline is Jewish.” The Christians said, “You aren’t Christian because you don’t follow the teachings of Jesus.” The Buddhists did not respond because they were busy meditating.

Thus kicked off my way-word journey through religion. What began as lighthearted misunderstanding quickly nose dived to chaos. I read of violent crusades, intolerance of homosexuality, and tense turf wars.

The past 4,000 years turned me away from religion.

Until I accidentally got looped back in.

My freshman year my roommate Harry wanted to find a church. I joined him. We went “church hopping,” attending a new congregation every Sunday until he found a good fit. Over the next year I also spent time immersed in other religions. I studied Taoism, immersed myself in my fiance’s Jewish community, practiced a hindu-based mediation in India for three weeks.

What I found surprised me: religion has distinct benefits that seemed oddly … secular.

Even more fascinating: many secular folks discount these benefits because of religion’s baggage. They resist considering the value of these concepts because of traumatic religious experiences growing up or a bias that someone is trying to convert you.

The rest of this post outlines 5 practices of religion for secular folks: prayer, tradition, community, religious leaders, faith.

My hope is that these can help you evolve in our world.

🙏 Prayer

To many religions, prayer is communicating with a higher power. Prayer results in feeling good, filling a holy duty, seeking redemption, or perhaps bending life in their favor.

We get so afixed to this version of prayer that we miss the benefits of a secular version of prayer.

Prayer has utility. You spend focused time thinking and hoping for others rather than yourself. You shape your subconscious.

We can use our own version of prayer - fixing our attention on a hopeful intent - in order to subtly shape our psychology.

Try this 10 minute secular prayer: sit in meditation with the idea that all people in the world are growing in faith and love. Faith is not necessarily religious, but whatever faith means to them. As your mind wanders, which it always will, gently guide your attention back to the main idea that all people are growing in love and faith. Do it for 10 minutes.

As you meditate, you’ll notice people from your life come to mind. Perhaps a friend, colleague, someone who frustrates you. Your random thoughts of these people fuses with the guiding idea that they will grow in love and faith. You begin to subconsciously coat your frustrations, worries, and feelings about these people towards love. You subtly feel softer towards those who frustrate you and even more joyous for those you love. These feelings ripple into your interactions.

This prayer is no answer to a holy call - but it does build the holiness within you.

🤝🏾Tradition

noun - an inherited, established, or customary pattern of thought, action, or behavior (such as a religious practice or a social custom)

Each religion has it’s laundry list of traditions.

Each tradition fills one of three utilities: creates value, identity, and/or community.

Many traditions are valuable. Shabbat, the Jewish day of rest, prohibits people to us technology, creating space for community and study. The weekly act of listening to a church sermon reinforces the points in the Bible. The cadence of daily, monthly, yearly traditions can give people a grounding regularity in a life of flux and uncertainty.

The traditions can create a sense of shared identity. Jews can feel a common understanding and togetherness, similar to the way you may feel with people from your same home town, country or as fans of the same sports team.

Identity is also created in shared objects and symbols. For religious groups this may be a hijab, yamaka, an idol, a Christmas tree, religious books, Matza or a sacrement. We associate these objects with experiences and part of the story of who we are.

Tradition can ground us in our values and ourselves.

Together, this value and identity manifests itself in community.

👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 Community

Community. The first time I went to church someone greeted me at the door, another person walked me to a pew, passing me off to another person who helped me find a seat. The friendliness exceeded any conference or commercial attempt at community. People can construct amazing social systems around a purpose. In our increasingly isolated world we are in need of such community.

We can create our own community and and traditions around a purpose.

Start celebrating yearly holidays of your own creation. For when someone changed jobs, had a baby, finished a project.

Typical tradition is great: birthdays, baby showers, etc. But coming up with your own versions, based on your group’s unique personality can be a source of extra value and distinct identity.

Here are some examples of self-made traditions:

• Cook dinner together every Sunday night

• Have a reverse book club every quarter: each person summarizes the book they read

• Meet monthly to discuss career challenges and opportunities

• Have a yearly sports in the park day

• Creating your own versions of Bar Mitzvah’s, Quinceañera, Anniversaries

Here’s a starter kit for community tradition creation:

1. What are the top three things you all value?

2. What activities do you all do individually to express that value?

3. Is there a place, time, or moment that best captures the value?

4. Could you all do that together on a weekly or monthly basis?

5. What objects, visuals, or insignia could capture your community’s spirit?

6. Schedule your traditions on the calendar

Viola!

👤 Religious Leaders

This is the Imam/Monk/Priest/Rabbi/Pujari/etc.

People turn towards these leaders for guidance. The leaders have a deeper understanding of religious texts and (potentially) stronger morals.

I think it’s unhealthy to see any person as “above others,” “more holy,” or “superior”. Your community, however, likely has individuals with different areas of expertise.

Call out the talents and areas of expertise of each member. These skills may be professional, domestic, interpersonal, etc. Secular communities can see themselves as having many “leaders” who can give guidance guidance.

Make a pact to open up “trade” to ask each other for help. American culture is too isolated; we overvalue self reliance and miss opportunities to collectively thrive. We can strengthen our collective groups by tapping into the expertise of each other more frequently. The Hive Mind wins.

You need to have an explicit conversation to open the trade routes - or else, the social norms will pull you back to … normal.

💨 Faith

There’s an atheistic assault on faith.

Maybe you’ve heard one of these:

• “What proof do you have that god exists?”

• “How do you believe a book that tells of impossible magic?”

• ”Don’t have faith in god, take action and responsibility yourself!”

The negative discourse on faith is mainly centered on the impossibilities of religious tales.

But before you discount faith, consider this: atheists have faith too.

This may feel foreign to you. But I assure it is not. You have beliefs in something. Maybe just that “things will workout” or “things will be ok”.

Faith is essentially hope in the unknown. It pulls you from the rubble of life like a safety harness. Many see faith as a source fo reliance “when things go wrong” - you can always fall back on faith.

Secular folks can find this faith in Rational Reality. Reality is the objective facts in life. Reality is almost always ok. Most Americans have food, water, and shelter. It’s the storylines about Reality that cause our suffering: “I’m not good enough,” “I’m a failure.“

Reality is more powerful than our stories.

Secular Faith sounds like this:

• “Even though x happened to me, I know everything is ok”

• ”I’m anxious, but I’m ok.”

• “My mind is making the problems bigger than they are”

You put your faith in something. Might as well pick objective truth rather than the stories that twist and bend our mind.

We can have faith in Reality - the objective truth of life. I think this is potentially even more powerful than having faith in God.

Needless complexity

Gym instructors teach you every machine.

Music streaming services give custom jams recommendations.

Health restaurants serve the latest Brazilian Superfood.

If you want to “get fit”, “enjoy music”, or “be healthy”, what you claim you want may be masking a deeper need. Most of these goals can be achieved without spending a dime. Just do sit-ups and jog at home, listen to the free tunes on YouTube, and buy your own basic natural ingredients and cook them.

The hidden need behind many services to feel good about yourself. Feel supported. Be disciplined. Feel like you are doing something high quality. 

What if you could get that without spending money?

Dear self-help skeptics

If you read the Bible, Quran, or Torah then you read self-help.

If you use cookbooks then you read self-help.

If you read any book that espouses some advice then you read self-help.

Most of critics of self-help are actually active readers of it.

What they reject in self-help, I believe, is the notion that someone else has the answers to your success and happiness. Critics say that nobody can teach you how to be happy.

I agree.

I use self-help books consultatively rather than authoritatively. I explore a book’s offering of new ideas, new perspectives, and new ways to approach the world. I take some ideas and trash others. If millions of people buy the book and find it useful I have the humility to set aside my pride and read.

Self-help books are valuable - as long as you as you see them as suggestions for consideration rather than a truth to follow.

Community: a cure for Depression?

When I lived in Gabon, Africa for 5 weeks I was amazed by the strength of community. In the rural village of Oyem, children were raised with 60 family members within walking distance from their home. They grew up surrounded by uncles, aunts, cousins all of whom knew their name and cared for them like parents. They roamed freely between houses, always exploring with a loving guardian within sight. Their aunts and uncles were considered equals to their mother and father. For real – many kids spent months and years living with relatives, away from their nuclear family.

It’s hard for me to imagine growing up in such an environment and feeling seriously depressed. Of course families all have their issues, and I’m sure that life is never all kumbaya. But I’m beginning to believe that much of our suffering comes from our isolation. Our isolation in location. Our isolation in mutual understanding. Our isolation in thought. Together, but isolated.

Surrounded by dozens of people who love you certainly won’t be a cure for depression. But it certainly won’t hurt.

Flaws of "Willpower"

Could the idea of willpower be a hoax?

Willpower is an American holy grail: control your impulse, control your actions, control your life. Willpower is the American Dream: “pick yourself up from your bootstraps,” “build your own destiny.”

As a lead coach of a 100+ student college, I’ve heard dozens of students lament over shortcomings of their willpower. “I can’t motivate myself” “I can’t change my habits.”

After a years of complaints, I asked, “Could we be thinking about the concept of Willpower all wrong?”

I decided to design some experiments. What I discovered surprised me.

The whole concept may be misguiding.

Origins of Willpower

"Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

In 1830, a young Ralph Waldo Emerson sat next to his sick wife. Faced with her mortality, he began to work on an essay. The resulting Self Reliance praises the power of individuals to take responsibility over their life. This idea spawned the Transcendentalism movement and the need for willpower.

In the 1990s, researcher Roy Baumeister began to research the concept. His experiments observed that people quit faster, perform worse, and become passive in tasks that require high willpower. He concluded that our willpower is a limited resource and can be used up from a common source. He coauthored a book with New York Times columnist John Tierney, whom I had on my podcast. I learned through our conversation that willpower is behind many modern movements such as Life Hacking, Essentialism, and more. The narrative on willpower is set. Or is it?

The Problem with Willpower: Internal Conflict

Take these 3 examples that require willpower:

- not eating the cookie in the office

- getting up early to go to the gym

- having a hard conversation with a friend

Each example is based on a model of internal conflict: part of you wants to do the healthy things, but part of you wants to eat sugar, lay on the couch, and retreat to be alone.  This portrayal of internal conflict is the core problem with the willpower model: it framed our problems as a draining battle when in reality we can take a more frictionless approach.

Managing these two conflicting sides of yourself is exhausting!

Beyond Willpower: Pleasure

Here’s a better model.

My dad is an eccentrically health man. He steams broccoli and drinks the leftover green  liquid afterwords. He’s 70 years old and works out so hard that he lightly moans on the exercise bike while jamming to Ariana Grande. 

He does not live with internal conflict to be healthy. He’s beyond that. 

Instead he learned to find pleasure in the things of which most people require “willpower”. 

He changed his mind to appreciate the taste.  He focuses on the biological high that results from exercise.

What we really need is not willpower  to overcome our lesser selves. What we need is to discover and experience the pleasure behind what we previously wanted to “will” ourselves to do.

My dad doesn’t have to will himself to the gym because he wants to go. 

Designing for Pleasure

 Instead of willpower we should focus on finding pleasure in the things we want to do.

Here are three ideas: 

1. Intellectual - What is the logical reason it will be valuable? What’s the logical reason you could enjoy this? What aspect of this activity do you appreciate? The goal is to be honest with yourself and appreciate new aspects of your activity. 

2. Bite size experiences - do something so small you will feel like a win. To emphasize this may be VERY small. I had a friend who wanted to loose 150 points. After months of failed and shameful trips to the gym he decided to change his approach. He decided to start small: intentionally walk 5 minutes every day. He did this for a whole month. The task was so easy that he felt like a win every day. That created pleasure that carried him forward. Next month he walked 10 min intention, next month 20 min, then ran 1 min intentionally, then 5 min, 10 min, 15 min, 20 min. After two years he lost the weight because he learned to love the exercise. And, the habit stuck! This brings me to the next tip... 

3. Play the long game - Like mentioned before, finding pleasure takes a while. Don’t rush! 

Finding pleasure, I believe, is a better path towards empowerment, agency, and transforming your life.

Onward

I’ve began putting “willpower” in quotes. It’s something that can trigger shame, inability, and angst. Instead I focus on creating pleasure - because when you do that, the rest of the action takes care of itself. 

Reject Hollywood Romance

Photo Credit: Summit Entertainment

In the movie La La Land, Emma Stone pirouettes like an adorable sneezing daffodil. Ryan Gosling does that inevitably cute I’m annoyed at you but also interested – and our night will digress us to a bliss filled finale.

Welcome to the Hollywood Romance, a storybook connection-by-fate as enchanting as it is unrealistic. Even though La La Land has a nontraditional ending, Tinseltown is flooded with “destiny” love stories like The Notebook, You’ve Got Mail, When Harry Met Sally.

Stories like these set a high bar for what love looks like. Even if you know that real life happens differently, these stories still make their way into your subconscious standards.

Love doesn’t need to be an epic story. In most cases, it’s not.

It’s just someone meeting someone, enjoying it, and then hanging out again. And then, again. And again.

And then love happens or it doesn’t.

We need to divorce the magical “falling in love moments” and instead focus on a question: would I like to see this person again?

Widening Your Circle

The work of a soulful life is to widen your circle. 

The circle is the lasso you toss around those in your life. It is the concern for friends,  hopes for yourself, consideration for people in your immediate life. It is the composite of your mental space.

In a state of depression, we are often the only person the lasso reaches. Our fears, angst, and sadness are too overbearing for our energies to reach others.

Upon more solid ground, our lasso reaches our friends and family.

Even stronger, it can reach our colleagues and strangers we pass on the streets. 

... this is the natural reach of our lasso. It is natural because one can live a blessed life of meaning and joy with their lasso thus far. 

But in this state, one has a choice - will you extend your lasso further? Will it reach the homeless on the street, the animals you eat, the people on computers far off in distant towns, kids you do not know, generations yet to be born. Extending the lasso this far is not natural; we did not evolve to toss our reach beyond our immediate tribes or past our lifetimes.

And yet we have a choice - do we extend our lasso? And how will our one precious life change if we do. 

The Numbing of San Francisco

A student of mine moved from rural Georgia to the Tenderloin. He got off the plane, hopped on BART, shook hands with the BART attendant with a big southern, “thank you sir” handshake. This was his first time in a big city. He arose from the escalators at Powell BART to the sun bending past sky scrapers. The succulent trees seemed to hug to the iconic cable cars. Tourists laughed. Wow, he silently mouthed.

Then he walked 2 blocks into the Tenderloin. Shit on the streets. Needles. Shooting eyes that begged for relief.

He fell into desperation. His church-going heart broke. In distress, he moved into the nearest corner store. He spent most of his cash (of which he had little) on water bottles and Nature Valley bars. He gave them to everybody down the block.

He left helpless. Desperate. Urgent.

Most of us do not have the desperation of someone seeing our city’s problem for the first time.

We’ve become numb.

Decoupling Difficult Conversations

Difficult conversations are ... difficult.

Why? You must simultaneously:

• Create a positive outcome for you

• Create a positive outcome for them

• Create a safe space

• Understand what you want

• Request what you want

• Listening to their wants

• Manage unpleasant feelings

• Deal with uncertainties

You can juggle all 8 dynamics at once (and make a mess).

Or you can be like these wonderful monkeys...

These monkeys are picking up each aspect of the conversation one by one, instead of all at once. They are simplifying their communication. Clever orangutans.

This post outlines a constructive (and linear) way to approach difficult conversations...

By the end you’ll have an actionable framework to bridge conflict with a partner, friend, or colleague.

PART 1: Lay the Foundation

1.) Hopeful outcome for you

Conflict is difficult because you don’t know what the other person is thinking. There’s a mixing of your intent and their intent, past actions and miscommunications. So before you talk, think about your ideal ending to the conversation. What – if achieved– will you feel good, regardless of other outcomes?

What you want can be deceptive. Many stay on a surface level: “I want you to put your socks away,” or “I want you to be friendlier to Laura.”

But our ideal outcomes often involve deeper needs … Acclaimed negotiation expert William Ury once helped two battling billionaires resolve a conflict (listen here to my conversation with Ury). The two business partners were consumed in a decade long battle for control of their 150,000 employee company. Both gave Ury a typical answer for what they wanted from the negotiation:  "I want the stock at a certain price, i want a non-compete clause and the company headquarters ..." William pushed back, "but I want to know what you really want … If there's one thing - what do you most want?" The billionaire thought carefully and said, "My freedom. Freedom, that's what I most want." He finally identified his deeper need. William asked, "what does freedom mean to you?" The billionaire wanted freedom to go on to other business deals and spend time with his family. Building off their deeper needs, the business partners were able to resolve the conflict while upholding their dignity.

Focus on your ideal outcome. What will it take for you to feel good?

Our ideal outcome often relates to our deepest needs. See this NVC needs inventory to identify what needs of yours aren’t currently met in your relationship. Maybe you want to feel more respect? Maybe more stability or trust?

2.) Hopeful outcomes for them

We enter difficult conversations with a mix of emotions. Anchor on the positive ones. Write down your positive intention for them in the conversation. Be ready to voice your this intention at the start of your conversation. It loosens the tension. You establish your desire for a WIN-WIN. Ask them to voice their intentions for you.

This exercise of exchanging intentions syncs you on the same team - even if both of you feel hurt; you know that the whole conversation is aimed at mutually beneficial goals. If you have trouble finding a positive intent, take some space or evaluate if you are in a toxic relationship.

3.) Create conversation ground rules & commitments

Lay down your intentions for how you want to conduct your conversation.

These could include:

• try to understand each other’s perspective

• favor a constructive future instead of belabored past

• allow room for silence

• have one person speak at a time

• respect other person’s perspective

• take pauses and patience as needed

• acknowledge our win-win intentions

With your partner, fill in the blank: “This conversation will be successful if we do ________________ while talking.”

Voicing this may feel cheesy, but these commitments creates safety. Even if it is cheesy, please note that some monkeys do like cheese …

Image source

Laying the groundwork (your intentions for yourself, for them, for the conversation) makes the rest of the conversations exponentially easier. I’ve used this method with half a dozen couples and they all said the groundwork make the conversation be the most comfortable they had been in discussing their conflict in months.

You always have this foundation to return to if feelings get out of hand.

PART 2: The Conversation

4. Request what you need to achieve the outcomes:

Nonviolent Communication has a 4-step process to make peaceful progress in difficult conversations.

Share your:

1. Observations of the relationship

2. Feelings related to the relationship

3. Needs of yours not being met

4. Requests for others to meet your needs

This approach works because it allows you to speak your truth without playing the blame game.

As NVC founder Marshall Rosenberg puts beautifully, “First, we observe what is actually happening in a situation: what are we observing others saying or doing that is either enriching or not enriching our life? The trick is to be able to articulate this observation without introducing any judgment or evaluation—to simply say what people are doing that we either like or don’t like. Next, we state how we feel when we observe this action: are we hurt, scared, joyful, amused, irritated? And thirdly, we say what needs of ours are connected to the feelings we have identified. An awareness of these three components is present when we use NVC to clearly and honestly express how we are… follow immediately with a fourth component – a very specific request ‘Would you be willing to put your socks in your room or in the washing machine?’ This fourth component addresses what we are wanting from the other person that would enrich our lives or make life more wonderful for us.”

The conversation becomes simple: can we meet each other’s needs, or no?

Blame focuses on how the other person’s actions feel wrong. The NVC approach articulates what you need for the situation to feel right.

Blame assumes the other person’s motives. The NVC approach makes no assumptions.

The truth is, as demonstrated by David Bradford's model below, you can only speak to your perspective - the reality of your emotions, motives, and intention (reality 2) as well as the irrefutable facts and behaviors of your interaction (reality 1).

Visual courtesy of Innerspace, a Startup Founder support community

Blame lies in speaking from reality 3 – the other person’s motives. Only they can speak to reality 3.

The organization Innerspace has a communication rule to  “stay on your side of the net” – speak only to your intentions (reality 1) and actions you perceived (reality 2). Allow them voice their interpretation. This framework, coupled with the NVC approach, allows you to respect each other’s perspectives and focus on productive action.

5. Listen to their request

Hear them out. What are their needs? What do they want?

If they blame you, ask them what they need to feel better – now and in the future. Don’t take it personally; As Rosenberg says, behind any blame is an unmet need.

6. Validate that you understand them correctly

Use the “mirror listening” technique - repeat back to them your understanding of what they just said. This step helps you two identify any miscommunication and clarify the situation. You can now respond to each other’s requests effectively.

Whoa this is exhausting. Here’s a video of an adorable baby monkeys doing cute things. Please take a break and enjoy.

7. Respond to their requests

Our natural inclination is to be defensive when we hear a request. We want to justify our past actions or argue that their request is unreasonable or impossible.

If you can’t accommodate a request, you need a way to address that respectfully.

One way is to use the LARA framework. Created buy civil rights activist Bonnie Tinker, the LARA framework helps you acknowledge the other person’s perspective while sharing your own. (You’ll notice that we’ve already covered the first two steps of the framework).

1.     Listen – already did

2.     Affirm their perspective – already did

3.     Respond – After the first two steps, respond directly to what the person said. Share your interpretation and opinion of their request. By saying this, you convey that the other person’s perspective deserves to be taken seriously.

4.     Add Information – then share any additional ideas, suggestion, thoughts you have on how to handle the situation. This step is sharing your unique perspective on the situation.

Some people listen and then immediately plow over the other person’s perspective by adding their own thoughts (just “listening” then “adding” their perspective). LARA helps the other person feel heard and understood – a critical step to them becoming receptive to your ideas.

8. Pause and slow down

If your head is hurting I don’t blame you. This is a lot to digest.

Don’t rush the conversation. To slow down, take a break and cool down when either of you need it.

9. Resolution – the conversation can result in a few outcomes:

1.     You can meet each other’s requests – in this case, write a commitment plan to make your intentions and desires explicit. This will make your foundation to support each other stronger.

2.     You can’t meet each other’s requests – in this case, you may need to evaluate if you need to break up or change the parameters of the relationship.

3.     You need more time to clarify your needs and identify new ones – sometimes we leave the conversation feeling more confused then when we entered it. This is often a symptom of not being clear about your own needs. In this case, return to step one and update your needs list.

The nine steps give you a practical approach for difficult conversations.

So if you feel like your next conversation is juggling 10 balls – slow down, walk through these steps to approach each ball one by one.

If all else fails, get a friend facilitator to help you.

How to Love Networking

Everything You’ve Learned about Professional Networking May Be Wrong.

We need to radically transform the way we think about networking. 

As the head of Professional Development at a new innovative college, I’ve seen hundreds of students uncomfortable with the idea of networking. They know the gains - learning, mentorship, business contacts, potential employment (some estimate networking results in 85% of hires) - and knowing so muddles their thinking. 

The hope of gains mixes into a toxic concoction. The other ingredients: fear of “using people,”  self consciousness of “asking for too much” and feeling “unworthy of help”. This concoction spoils authentic connect. 

Approaching people at events begins to feel like a hollow transaction for even the most personable and selfless students. They see people’s titles and companies over their humanness and passions. Other professionals become a resource to forward your career. Even if we consciously think we are genuinely connecting, our subconscious is often driven by these ulterior motives.

That sounds like a big load of selfishness!! 

I don’t want to meet that person at a networking event - I want to meet someone who is kind, considerate, wants to support and help other people … not for their own gain, but because they genuinely want to help.

BE THAT PERSON.

Forget the traditional and tired methods. Show up caring for others with no expectation of gain. Everyone wants to ask for something - why don’t you offer something. Everybody has needs. As so and so said, “If Bill Gates came in room and I looked him in the eye as he spoke and listened to him, I could offer him something. Yes Bill Gates has money, but you have something money can’t buy.” Everybody has something to give - even if it’s just undivided attention by someone who cares.

Show up with the intent to give instead of gain.

The intent to give opens you up. One of my students was told this advice before attending SXSW. He said it made him less nervous, he had more fun, and he built relationships that will last beyond the conference. What’s most shocking - he returned with 10 scheduled calls with recruiters and collaborators. Why? Because companies want to hire people who genuinely care about others!

You’ll hate networking and won’t be effective if you think about yourself the whole time. Focus on giving instead of gaining, and you’ll receive more than you ever imagined. 

Rethinking Networking

Here are three new rules of networking, thought up by my wonderful friend Bethany Hinton:

1. Find their brilliance

Everybody has something that lights them up. A passion. Hobby. Their work. Find that. You’ll learn about their world view and the other person will feel appreciated and valued.

2. Network for other people

Don’t network for yourself. Network for your friends and community. Be a hub for connecting new people you meet to old contacts. You can facilitate new hires, clients, customers, community members. You can pass along articles and resources. This mindset opens you up your intent to gain to give. 

3. Be a Medium on a Mission

Are you working to benefit the world? If so, view networking as a way to allow other people to extend their impact through you. Great missions have a gravitational affect, people want to help those working to create good. Be that medium.

Finding people’s brilliance, networking for others, and being a medium on a mission breaks us out of our overthinking minds so we can network with heart.

Relationship Hierarchy of Needs

My friend Rajesh created what he calls the Relationship Hierarchy of Needs...

Drawing by @me_lem for a friend's wedding present

Like Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, his framework illustrates the components to a thriving romantic partnership.

At the base, you need to enjoy spending time with the person. Great conversations. Laughs. Lovely sex. Kissing, hugging, nushing. Romantic attraction. The one-on-one relationship feels nourishing. This need is foundational for all other aspects of the relationship. 

The middle section is the need for integration. You can explore the outside world together –hobbies, interests, adventures, mutual friend groups. You can also bring your world back home to the person ­– talk about what excites you, work, and life independent of the relationship. Your partner listens and engages, even if they don’t share your interests. You feel like you can express your full authentic self.

The next section is the need for growth – growth in emotional connection, trust, communication and personal development. Life is not stagnant. Things change and you need to learn and adapt with the person next to you.

Finally, the top is a radical pursuit of honesty. You can identify your deepest needs and communicate them to your partner. You can have the hard conversations to strengthen your relationship. This takes a tremendous amount of introspection. Often, we may need a framework to make our thinking more productive.

The ideal romantic relationship, in my mind, earns high marks in each of these categories.

A friend can excel at one of these categories and not in others.

Hopefully, this framework can give you another lens by which to look at your relationships.

Embrace relationship conflict

40-50% of married couples in the United States get divorced.

Basically, the officiator should hand you divorce paperwork to file away on your wedding day. You can keep it in your bottom drawer with a coupon for Ben and Jerry’s ice cream as collateral and a bag of Cheetos (they won't be stale 20 years from now!)

I’m not pessimistic about relationships. I’m just voicing how without deliberate work, even the most wonderful relationships can wane. This is as true for our love lives as it is at work.

My social circle has a tendency not to voice relationship difficulties. Nobody wants to admit that they face conflict with the person they love most. That’s scary.

But conflict is inevitable in any relationship. As we change, our relationships change. We must adapt. Or break up. As the protagonist in the movie Her aptly said,  “It was exciting to see her grow and both of us grow and change together. But that's also the hard part: growing without growing apart or changing without it scaring the other person.” We must accept that conflict is a natural part of relationships.

How will you deal with the inevitable change?

I’m in a great relationship now. We have difficult conversations almost weekly. We recognize that our needs and wants are always changing. We must reset boundaries and address new conflicts. We have a weekly-checkin that provides a proactive and constructive way to adapt to change.

The larger problem is that our culture paints relationship conflict as bad. When was the last time a friend turned to you and said, “I just had the most wonderful disagreement!”

We need cultural role models who recognize that addressing conflict is part of life.

Instead of Maury Povich and Jerry Springer, there should be a TV host called Jerry Lover – a sweet man who helps people strengthen their already thriving relationship. Jerry has jerry curls. He gives homage to the fact that all relationships need work. Jerry wears pink overalls and looks adorable.

Imagine billboards with the National Mother of the Year, helping her children overcome stressful experiences. We should hear from the couple who “fights fair” and helps other people do so too. There should be public forums where couples can work through their issues.

What if people felt comfortable exposing their relationship’s underbelly without feeling like a failure?

It’s not about you [Poem]

You want to impact in the world, ey?

Stop thinking about yourself.

Stop thinking about if you are right,

if you are qualified

if you have good ideas

if people like you

if you’ll be successful

The more you think about yourself,

the less space you have for others,

their problems,

their issues.

Others – understanding them

is the only way to have an impact.

So instead,

Ask people how you can help

show up and listen

angle your mind towards support

pick a good intention

let attitude lift you higher than self-interest

and act.

let go and say “well, I had good intent.”

Most anxieties, worries, and stresses come from thinking about where you stand. Let that go. And see what happens.

Success is how you show up

Success is often portrayed as some tangible accomplishment: awards, dollars, press.

Here’s an alternative perspective:

 “The planet does not need more successful people. But it does desperately need more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers, and lovers of every kind. It needs people who live well in their places. It needs people of moral courage willing to join the fight to make the world habitable and humane. And these qualities have little to do with success as we have defined it.”

- David Orr